World Cup w/ Raphael – Hooray For Me!

by Raphael Perahia

What a great Tuesday it was. I woke up at seven in the morning to try to go to the famous footballing establishment known as Nevada Smith’s. We got there at seven thirty and it was already too crowded, I wasn’t yet drunk enough to start standing with three hundred Americans in a sweaty, dark and lonely room.

Nevada Smith's is the top Bar in the U.S for Soccer

So we went to Gatsby’s. It was closed. We went to two other pubs. They were closed. So we started with a coffee and relaxed for two hours before returning to Gatsby’s to start my beer-fuelled day.

Fabio Capello decided to start Defoe in place of the useless oaf that was once known as Emile Heskey. I’m convinced that Heskey must be brilliant in training because for some reason every England manager uses him. Yet he remains, and will always remain, shit.

Both for USA and England, this was the perfect result. Everybody leaves happy, including former President Clinton, who was present at the USA game. Looking at him after USA scored, I couldn’t’ help but think, “Somebody’s getting laid tonight.”

What followed, was a week full of drinking, hitting on older women (they get better (and more single) with age, like a fine red wine) and watching much improved football matches. I could have been Jay-Z or Sinatra; the king of New York.

France went out. I’ve already said what needed to be said about that. Italy went out. Missing Fabio Capello, are we? Maybe the hair gel, or the full body wax, or even the all around over-femininity of nearly every player in the Italy squad, worked against them this year. Otherwise not many surprises.

On to the round of sixteen. My three games that even non-soccer fans should watch: USA versus Ghana, Spain versus Portugal, and England versus Germany.

England versus Germany, “Is there a history there?” you ask. Well obviously World War I and it’s sequel, the even  more intense, World War II, were pretty important. And songs such as (to the tune of ten green bottles) “There were five German bombers in the air… then the RAF from England shot one down”, reflect that.

But there is also a footballing history. England lost to them in 1990, and on penalties in the semi-finals of Euro ‘96 (Yes, as a child I cried at this, and I’ll fucking cry again if they lose this time, okay.) England also recently defeated Germany 5-1 in a qualifying match.  It will be a very close and highly emotional match.

Also, if England do win, they will face Argentina in the quarter final (oh shut up there is absolutely no way Mexico will beat Argentina). There is a lot of bad blood with the Argentineans, but I will only discuss this if England beat the Nazis, I mean, Germans. Joke! Just a little joke.

I will be watching the USA match at my English friend’s apartment so that I can make snide, disparaging comments about how little Americans know about “soccer”, while eating Chinese food, and getting increasingly desperate to punch Alexi Lalas in his stupid face.