The Goal That Wasn’t and The Destruction That Was

Even the German pansy, who happened to be sitting way too close to me in what was a pretty large and spacious bar, spotted that England had scored the equalizer. The goal was never given. This was that moment where it all changed, and the Germans, as always, were ruthless.

"I miss the old Brazil. You used to be cool."

What is the deal with referees this World Cup?  It’s ridiculous.  Alexi Lalas’ grandmother could do a better job and she’s partially retarded, and dead. God rest her soul.

How did I deal with it? The same way I do every four years. I complained about what could have been. I blamed the manager, the players and the referee. Then I went home, ordered Chinese food and ate it while crying.

I always say, “England won’t win it this year.” But every year, part of me still believes that they might. Maybe they’ll surprise me. Maybe they’ve changed. I still believe.

England are the ex that you always partially believe you will get back together with. Just like I say, “No, me and that girl won’t get back together”, there is always a small part of me that believes it’s possible. Hope can be the cruelest mistress.

In 2008 England didn’t qualify for the European Championships. They lost in the qualifiers. They were not present at the competition. It was the best tournament I’ve ever watched. The games were entertaining, competitive and vibrant. Underdog countries, such as Turkey, excited and surprised. Goals were abundant. It reminded me how beautiful the sport can be.

This is the difference between the average Englishman and American (obviously, there are exceptions). As of now, most Americans will not watch a soccer tournament (or even a game) in which their country does not compete. Most English people will. It is almost a relief for us. Oh, she’s not coming, you say? Oh… thank God. I might actually be able to enjoy myself this time.

The quarterfinals are approaching and it seems as though some countries have changed. Don’t worry the Argentineans are still massive cheats, Argentina not cheating in a World Cup is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

It used to be that Brazil approached games with the attitude of: “You score two, we’ll score three.” But, now, no more. They still score three, but they will not let the other team make the game entertaining. I miss the old Brazil. You used to be cool.

Maybe now that England are out, the games will be entertaining. So, disappointing World Cup filled with semi-entertaining matches, I await your resurrection. I’ll be sitting in a in a bar in Boston. There’s a beer waiting for you. Please don’t stand me up.